Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
You Might Also Like
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.