Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
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my sentiments exactly
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.