nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I hate when that happens.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes