One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
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Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I hope they boil the right one.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
it’s the silliest best thing