I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
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The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.