ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
This is why I hate group projects
Why is everyone getting married at me
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”