One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
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Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I might carry a baby with one hand.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE