I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
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[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.