I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Always a metermaid never a meter
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11