When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
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The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Put my back out twerking in the library again