So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
You Might Also Like
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Order here:
More here:
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I can also cook 😂
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.