Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.