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Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.