Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
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[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
That took me a moment.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am