Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
incredible book dedication
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY