MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
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[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Based Erika
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.