*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
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If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”