Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
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Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.