Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
You Might Also Like
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
what?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me irl
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.