why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
You Might Also Like
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I think I’ll stand
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.