BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
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extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.