Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
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I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”