[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
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[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Oceanography is all about current events
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
house sitting!
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…