150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
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Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?