Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
You Might Also Like
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.