Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
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me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004