( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
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Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow