The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
You Might Also Like
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]