6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
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Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.