Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
You Might Also Like
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?