I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.