Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
You Might Also Like
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
This will teach them to underestimate me
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately