*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh