“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
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It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
When the stylist spins you back around
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Batman v Dracula
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.