I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
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I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience