If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
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“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Go hard or stay average
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.