When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
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Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
doing some research