IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.