I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
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*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
hmmm
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist