Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
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I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
He a real one for that
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what