Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
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Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Just grow your own
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
This is true.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips