*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
You Might Also Like
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor