“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
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Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Möther may I have a snäck
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
*mops up wine with cat*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4