In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
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Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*