I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
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There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*