“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered