I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same