Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
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[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
mathematically impossible
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.