i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche