Effort made
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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.